do what i say not what i do

so this is like my motto in life. although i'm finally starting to get away from it.  when i was studying nutrition while really suffering from an eating disorder i would always say that. i guess it was my way of defending myself from myself because i would always think like why would anyone want a nutritionist who can't even handle food herself?  so its not really a healthy motto but i still struggle with it from time to time.

like right now for example.  i've lost some weight since my surgery and i feel great.  im back to one of my earlier high school weights and it's the lowest i've been since then.  but now that i'm gaining more energy back as i'm able to do more things i notice myself eating more, which of course is exactly what is supposed to happen.  the higher your metabolism, the more you need to fuel yourself.  i struggle with this mentally because i become paranoid that i'm just going to gain the weight back when in reality i'm probably burning exactly what i was before in comparison to what i eat because my metab. is faster.  ah it's all a continuous cycle but after struggling for 6 years and going to therapy for this and that i definitely can realize what i'm doing and talk myself out of, for example, restricting myself or not letting myself eat something that i really want because i know i'll just end up over eating to compensate anyway so it's basically lose lose.

todays one of those days i'm struggling. and ranting on and on about it kind of helps bring me back to reality.  but i think a lot of people, more than i'll ever realize, deal with the same thing on a day to day basis too.  you just have to remind yourself that as much as you don't believe it, it is normal.  thinking of yourself as not normal makes you normal.  if you think you're normal then you've got bigger problems.