i've been feeling really nostalgic lately. it's kind of embarrassing but it has led to my motivation to be stalled and therefore lack of desire to blog. i know not many people prob read my first post--embarrassing in a nut shell background of why i started blogging--so i feel like reflecting on what has gotten me here in the first place.
i always tell my parents they had a boy and 2 girls. in reality they had 2 boys and girl but my older brothers were both into art and writing, always dressed well, where as i have always been the jock and my wardrobe contains a 3:1 ratio of sweats/gym clothes to nice clothes. i never wanted to wear pink or dresses even when i couldnt dress myself. i always wanted to be one of the boys; i still prefer it actually, but in a i'm definitely a girl i just hate bitch drama kinda way. so with all that said, naturally i was big into being active and somehow i was granted with the ability to be good at almost anything athletic.
i cant remember how i got into sports exactly per say, but i know it started out with basketball. i LOVED basketball. i started playing in camps when i was 8 and my heart was set on being in the WNBA someday...yeah i know, i was 8. my coach always said i was a natural, although how good can you actually be when youre 8, but i never felt like i wasn't one of the top players. i miss the days where i had confidence now that i think about it. i continued summer camps until 5th grade when we could actually start playing on an organized team. i loooooved being part of a team and i loved actually playing to win.
going into middle school i was one of the few chosen to play up for the 8th grade team. i was usually a top scorer and rebounder (i've always been one of the tall girls). basketball was my main focus, but i also started getting into volleyball. once again, i was just naturally good at it and learned to love playing it as well.
probably sometime in 8th grade i sort of made the switch from basketball being my main focus to volleyball. i was good at basketball, but i guess i was exceptionally good at volleyball. going into my freshman year of high school, i can remember my coach asking me and one other player to come to a varsity summer tournament. i was so excited. and i didnt just go and sit on the bench, i got a lot of playing time. this was probably my peak confidence year of my life. i was going to start varsity as a freshman and i ended up getting to play all around too. not only that but i also ended up playing/starting varsity in basketball too...mostly due to an injury of one of the seniors though. it was still great; there hadn't been many people who had gotten to do that. i also played softball (the first year of my life i ever actually played) and i ended up lettering in all 3 sports as a freshman. it was such an honor. i wouldnt have been able to talk about it like this back then, i have never been a cocky asshole about my athletic ability, ive actually always been really hard on myself, but now that i miss it so much and have lost most of my ability to injury i have absolutely no problem bragging a bit. dont judge me.
so i continued to be a starter through my junior year. that was probably my peak performance year as well as my most in shape year, but since i had more experience in playing varsity the pressure was really on to be a leader and always be a top performer. i was probably the hardest on myself this year to always be the best and this is the year that i would say my eating disorder started.
i had a lot of pressure to be a certain size. i'm not going to go into detail on that; certain people will know exactly what im talking about. i started running every day, in addition to practices, and i wouldn't admit it then, but i definitely restricted my eating a lot. at first i would say i thought i was just being really healthy, and in a sense i was, but i dont think i was eating enough for how active i was. anyways, i was really happy with my weight loss and i definitely got the attention for it, but i was also struggling with the pressure to stay thin and the pressure to continue restricting my diet. regardless, i was still accelling at my sports and i was determined to get a scholarship to play volleyball in college.
junior year is also when my athletic career was semi-ruined. in the spring at a volleyball tournament i came down from a hit on my right leg and i had a "ive fallen and i cant get up moment". i would describe the feeling as an electric shock in the middle of my knee. it was unlike anything i had ever felt before and i knew something serious had happened. wouldnt ya know it i had torn my acl completely and had a partial meniscus tear. surgery was necessary to continue playing sports and with surgery came a 6 month rehab package. awesome! by the time i got surgery, i would miss my whole senior year of volleyball and half my season of basketball, not to mention i was only going to get to come back at like 60% (i didn't know that at the time, i found it out the hard way). so i went through with the surgery. with all that considered i was already beginning to become depressed. my boyfriend broke up with me that summer. and my eating disorder soared. i gained pushing 30 pounds, yes 30. and that didnt help with the depression at all considering my past of working hard to lose the weight that i had.
so i missed and avoided my senior year of volleyball. i couldnt face watching my team (and we had a really good team) play without me. it was way too hard, as selfish as i knew it was. i had a little bit higher hopes for basketball season since i knew i would get to play a little bit anyway so i was more dedicated to my season. when it came time to be able to play, i was excited and nervous. i had to wear an awful brace and at that point i knew that i wasnt going to perform anywhere near what i used to. i had a little mini cheer section for my first game back, and it was away too so that felt nice, but i was also putting pressure on myself to play well. well, once i got on the court i basically felt like i sucked. and i became so discouraged. i was even less of being close to what i thought i could perform. i got a little better, but by the end of the season it hadnt been enough time of play to get back to the old me.
my senior year was a really hard year for me. i struggled through every bit of it. i didnt think i would be playing a sport in college and i wanted to go to school as far away as possible. well that didnt end up happening. last minute i got an offer to play volleyball at penn state behrend (the coach knew me from summer camps during high school) and i hesitantly decided to give it a shot.
i worked on getting in shape over the summer and played on a JO team and my ability started to come back. one of my best friends from high school played at behrend and i was familiar with erie so adjusting there wasnt too hard. i was a somewhat consistant starter as a freshman and i started gaining a little confidence back anyway. by the end of the season i felt like i was getting way more comfortable with my knee. then came spring season. i swear mother nature hates me in the spring. i was actually starting to feel almost 100% at this point. i made it through all the practices. we had one big tournament at the end and i was excited to play. well i made it through the tournament until the very last game of the last match. went up for a block, landed like a normal person, and my left knee just buckled to the left. the minute i fell in my head i was like omg not this again. i instantly knew what had happened. i was balling. and not because of the pain, but because of how hard i had worked to get to where i was just for my other knee to be a dirty bitch and do the same thing to me all over again. i can remember saying "i cant do it again, i cant". well i did it again, but this time my athletic career was officially officially over, and i struggled with depression again. my grades started getting worse and i had no motivation in school. i distanced myself from the team once again and i kind of felt like i was just out of place there.
i ended up transferring to penn state main campus. in a nut shell, not knowing anyone and going to a whole new place, and being depressed all at the same time didn't make my transition go well. i did okay at first, but eventually started failing and not going to any of my classes, and so i "medically withdrew" aka i dropped out. i dont feel like sugar coating it.
which brings me to where i am today. when people ask me if im in school i hate answering it. and im not going to tell everyone i meet that i had to drop out because i was depressed. i dont want to say school isnt for me, because i know it is, i just dont think it was the right time. since all of that i have had my third surgery obviously. and with this one i have been able to come out of it with a much better attitude. dropping out of school was my best decision yet that i have made and if anyone wants to judge me they can go eff themselves. okay sorry haha that was harsh, but seriously.
i dont think ill ever forget about my past. it has made me who i am today. im still struggling with accepting that and i think that i always will. i guess i kind of live by the saying "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger", but it took 3 surgeries and 2 sport career enders to get me to that place.
this is super long and i feel like no one is going to want to read it, but it explains a lot about who i am. even if no one reads it i feel really good about getting it out of my system a bit and maybe ill have a normal person blog about working out later :)
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